


in sickness and in health

by gl_bgolyb



Series: the slaying of cetus [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Parenting, Blood and Injury, Communication Failure, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Miscarriage, Relationship Issues, Trust Issues, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:20:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23895961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gl_bgolyb/pseuds/gl_bgolyb
Summary: "Kanaya thinks the world that they created owes them silence in this moment. The anger is almost a distraction from the freshly hatched grief."
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Series: the slaying of cetus [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771024
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	in sickness and in health

Kanaya’s breathing is sharp when she looks down at the mess in the towel on the bathroom floor, and it’s sharper still when she looks at Rose, who is slumped on the toilet with her head in her hands. There isn’t true silence, because it’s early summer and birds are chirping and cicadas are humming and there’s distant sounds of lawnmowers and children playing outside of the Lalonde-Maryam brownstone, and their daughter is downstairs watching television to avoid the heat--but Kanaya thinks the world that they created owes them silence in this moment. The anger is almost a distraction from the freshly hatched grief.

KANAYA: How Far Were You  
ROSE: Twelve weeks.  
KANAYA: Should We Go To The Hospital Or  
ROSE: No. I can manage.

Rose isn’t crying. She hardly is one to be in hysterics, regardless of the situation at hand. When Vrissy broke her arm last year, she was quick and effective and made a makeshift sling before holding her in the backseat of their car while Kanaya took the wheel. Vrissy, however, is a resilient child who takes most physical ailments in stride. The thing on the floor isn’t so lucky.

KANAYA: Rose  
KANAYA: Rose What Can I Do  
ROSE: Nothing.  
ROSE: It was not meant to be.

She takes her time standing up, and Kanaya rushes towards her to support her wife. She winces when she sees that toilet bowl is filled with blood.

KANAYA: Why Didnt You Tell Me  
ROSE: It wasn’t going to work. I told you.  
ROSE: I saw every possible outcome to this situation and there wasn’t a single one where I succeeded. But in the instances where I told you, you would become excited and hopeful and then at the inevitable end, you would sink into something worse than this.

Her breath catches and Kanaya holds her as she shudders, gripping the sink and staring at nothing in particular. There isn’t a lot to bury, but flushing it feels deeply wrong, sacreligious almost. Grimacing, Kanaya turns back to her wife, who sighs and gives her a weak smile. 

ROSE: What?  
KANAYA: I Need Some Time To Process This And Prepare Some Kind Of Formal Send Off  
KANAYA: And As Much As I Appreciate Your Attempts To Protect Me I Really Have To Ask What The Actual Fuck Were You Thinking

Rose shrugs. There’s blood on the back of her robe, and Kanaya makes a mental note to get rid of it as soon as possible. 

ROSE: I don’t know.  
ROSE: This entire thing just isn’t really registering yet. I stopped being hopeful the first time.  
KANAYA: The First Time  
ROSE: …  
KANAYA: Rose How Many Times Has This Happened  
ROSE: …  
KANAYA: Rose  
KANAYA: How Many Miscarriages Have You Had

Rose gives her another dim smile. Kanaya realizes that she isn’t going to get a clear answer out of her, and that can be attributed to either shock or some kind of misguided attempt to protect her. “Are we not equals,” she wants to ask. “Why are you hiding this? What else are you hiding?” 

Instead of asking, she leads her to their bedchamber, setting down towels and arranging pillows in a way that could be considered comfortable. She doesn’t know why she does this, a sense of obligation and duty despite feeling hollow at the lie and at the loss, but Rose looks a little less awful when she’s propped up on the bed. 

ROSE: Thank you.  
ROSE: I know you kind of hate me right now.  
KANAYA: I Dont Hate You  
ROSE: Disappointed, then.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: But

Kanaya struggles to find some sort of reassurement within herself. There are a few revelations that have occured in the last twenty minutes, and somehow the ability to reproduce with her wife, who is a different species, is the least shocking. The fact that she is a mother to more children than Vrissy is frightening. The concept that she doesn’t know what number that is, or where their bodies are, is horrifying. But the most terrifying new truth is that Rose has been lying by omission and is nonplussed by it. How she acts casual could certainly be just a coping mechanism, but it’s jarring nonetheless. 

ROSE: ?  
KANAYA: Nothing  
KANAYA: Im Going To Clean Up  
KANAYA: I Love You

She turns swiftly so Rose won’t see the tears in her eyes and is almost at the door before she hears the faintest voice.

ROSE: I love you, Kanaya.  
ROSE: I’m sorry.

Kanaya would like to respond with something comforting, a soft set of words like “there’s nothing to apologize for” or even “I forgive you”. Instead, she keeps walking, finding a shoebox in the linen closet and a tea towel before going back to the scene of the crime. There’s a spot in the garden where she’s been thinking about planting a tree for some time now. She thinks a pine might be a nice addition.

**Author's Note:**

> processing grief is a topic that i hold dear, and need to do myself. and rose and kanaya have a complicated relationship with lots of holes for doubt and dread to seep through. their love burns bright, but sometimes there are things that hurt too much to put words to. 
> 
> so i did, for them.


End file.
